Summery: Finding a way home

Disclaimer: Thanks to Joss for letting me play, he probably doesn’t know that I’m playing with his toys, but I thought I’d thank him anyway.

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Buffy ordered a orange/grapefruit juice from the replicator and sat down at her desk. The lap top was blinking that she had a message. Hesitantly she pressed on the blinking icon.

Buffy jumped back as Faith appeared on the screen.

“Hey, B. I heard you’ve been sick or something, lost your memory and such. Just wanted to drop a line and tell you to get your ass better. I’d’ve come with the rest of ‘em but you know me, I’m a sucker for these posh rehabilitation centre digs I’ve got myself into. Drop me a line soon, and let me know if that Bad Ass Step cousin of mine has gotten into your pants yet. 5x5 B.

Faith’s image disappeared.

“Well isn’t that right nosy of her,” came Spike’s voice from the couch.

“Spike...”

“You probably don’t remember everything about her either.”

“Not so much”

“Right then. Faith is my step cousin, being the daughter of Jenny Calendar, who married Giles.”

“Miss Calendar married Giles?”

“Captain Calendar married Captain Giles”

“Right, sorry, and Faith is in prison?”

“Ya, she’s serving a sentence for involuntary manslaughter. She accidentally killed a member of her team during the war.”

“So she was in star fleet too?”

“Yep, security officer like you, you two were at the Academy together, room mates and all. Of course her career is shot to hell.”

“Spike?”

“Ya pet?”

“How did I get back here? I clearly remember sleeping in my own bed last night.”

“Noticed you were missing last night, found you in the holodeck, sleeping, carried you back here. You can’t go sleeping on the holodeck luv.”

Buffy sighed deeply.

“What are your plans for today?”

“Um, well I thought that maybe I’d get a complete tour of the ship, consult some books, get sent back to my own dimension and pay some bills. Good for you?”

“Buffy...”

“This isn’t my home Spike! Why can’t anyone see that? Sure it’s nice here, I’ve got a nice life and a great job, but you know what, it’s not mine, it belongs to some other Buffy. And you know what, maybe I’m supposed to be dead. At least then I would know where I’m supposed to be.”

Spike sat in silence for moment before responding.

“Buffy, you saved the world. Maybe this is your reward from the powers that be? Would you just throw that gift back in their faces, assuming they have faces?”

“And maybe you all are trying to keep me here, I’m stuck here without anyway to protect my world.”

“In your world you are dead, Buffy. They have other people to save the world. Faith is still alive.”

“Faith’s in jail. I doubt the state of California will just let her out because she has to be the slayer again.”

“The watcher’s council is a fair bit more powerful than you think love.” he said with a smirk. “Could you just give us a shot?”

Buffy looked over to him, still sitting on her couch.

“I guess.” she sighed.

“Good, now if you don’t want to see the Full Monty, you might want to step into the other room pet.”

“You slept nude on my couch! Gross Spike.”

All over the ship people had been eagerly awaiting their holodeck time, so they could play the program for themselves. Spike had graciously provided the ship with it’s own copy and had agreed to sign autographs if he was approached. The one thing that he did not tolerate was people harassing Buffy.

Buffy thought it was infinitely strange that Spike was a celebrity.

Buffy walked down the corridors of the ship, on her way to the galley, with Willow and Tara. She had left Spike in her quarters to check his messages.

“Doesn't it bother you that people play you? That your life is a game?” Buffy asked.

“It’s not really our lives Buffy,” said Willow. “He’s changed it so much, sure the foundations are all there, but it’s not our lives, they just have our names.”

“And look like you and have the same relationships that you have.”

“It doesn’t bother us, Buffy,’ said Tara.

“It bothers me.”

“It never bothered you before.”

“Are you going to cast a spell on me, to get my memories back?”

“Goodness no. Magic isn’t real Buffy. Just meditation.”

“Tonight good for you?”

“Sure” said Buffy distractedly.

Buffy turned a corner and ran right into another crewman.

“Sorry,” Buffy muttered.

She looked up to see a familiar face.

“Jonathan?”

“Oh hey Buffy,” said the once nerd.

“Hey, I didn’t know you were on this ship. You been here long?”

“No, not really. I’m just visiting. I’m...I’m being transported to Galapagos Six for my next assignment.”

“That’s cool.”

“Uh huh. Ok then, see you around,” Jonathan practically leapt at the chance to get away from her.

Buffy watched the retreating man with curiosity. There was something odd about him. Buffy’s slayer sense was doing the wacky. But she wasn’t supposed to have a slayer sense any more. Buffy was generally confused.

Buffy looked between the two people who this very moment were deciding her fate.

“It has only been two weeks counsellor,” said Giles sternly.

“In cases similar to Lt Summers’ the mind begins to heal itself very soon after the injury. The lack of improvement has me worried Sir. I am afraid that the chances aren’t good for a full recovery.”

Giles sighed. Buffy echoed his sigh.

“Is there nothing we can do that hasn’t already been done?” he asked.

“I’d like to recreate the accident. It may sound strange, but it is the only option I can think of at the moment.”

“Very well Counsellor.”

“I’d like to do that,” said Buffy, finally speaking up.

“The safety protocols will be active this time?” asked Giles.

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Yes Giles.”

“Why do I have to be the crazy one again?” asked Tara.

Spike laughed.

“At least he doesn't have me boning a Troll in this one,” said Anya.

As they all went to their places for the beginning of the episode, most of them in the Magic Box, Dawn to her prison with Glory and Ben, Buffy couldn’t help but think that this was stupid. How could reliving this horrible experience bring back her memory?

But she was at home here. This was her world. This was where she was comfortable.

Spike pulled her aside before they started the program.

“Buffy? I just want you to know, that even if you don’t remember, it’s not the end of the world. I will always love you, memory or not. And if I have re-earn your trust and love, because I wrote Vampire Spike as someone you couldn’t love, I’ll do that.”

Buffy smiled.

“Spike, it’s not that you weren’t loveable. It’s that you were a vampire, someone that I wasn’t supposed to love. I’ve had all this Slayer stuff drilled into my skull, and after the whole Angel/Angelus fiasco, my mind has a hard time believing that a vampire can love, especially without a soul Spike.”

“I‘m not a vampire Buffy.”

“I know, I mean, your heart beats, you breathe and hey! Body heat!”

Spike chuckled.

“I know this isn’t what you expected, and I can’t help but feel sorry that I lost my memory and bungled up what we had going on before this.”

Spike raised his hand and gripped her chin, forcing her to look into his eyes.

“I love you Buffy, I’m willing to wait for you, until the end of time, if I have to.”

Buffy felt a tear run down the side of her face. Without thinking, Buffy brought her lips to Spike’s in a passionate kiss.

Giles cleared his throat. “Can we start this please?”

Buffy smiled and pulled back from Spike.

“Yes Giles.”

She didn’t know how she knew they did that...but that wasn’t the important thing right now. She was in a freakin’ coffin!

Buffy pushed and punched her way out. Finally coming out of the ground, Buffy turned and looked at the gravestone.

Buffy Anne Summers
1981 - 2001
Beloved Sister, Devoted Friend
She saved the world
A lot

Buffy smiled. She was back. Wasn’t she?

But she wasn’t ready yet to deal with demons. They may not even be real. She had to find out if she was really truly back. She had to find Spike.

Through the window Buffy could see the forms of her friends and Spike and Dawn. But no Giles. Buffy watched as Spike started gesturing with his hands. He was mad. Very mad. She couldn’t make out what he was saying but audible yelling was evident.

She couldn’t stay here. She needed to talk to Spike by herself. Buffy turned and headed to his crypt.

The next thing she knew was that she was being held by a weeping Spike.

“Spike?” she asked sleepily.

“Buffy?” he said in disbelief.

“Ya, it’s me.” She looked into his sad blue eyes for a moment, before reaching up and wiping his tears away. “I’m here and I’m alright, more or less.”

Spike only clung tighter.

“Spike, I still need to breathe.”

Spike loosened his grip on her, but refused to let go.

“They told me, the witch did a spell. To bring you back to us. I didn’t want them to, but you are here now. Don’t want you to go again.”

“I’m not going anywhere Spike.”

Buffy reached up and cupped his face with her hand. He was so genuine. But was this really her Spike?

Spike caught a look at her bloodied hands. Grabbing her hand, he stared at it in shock for a moment.

“They left you in your coffin.”

Buffy looked down at her hand. “Ya, they did.”

“Need to get you cleaned up.”

Spike pulled her to a standing position and led her to one of the sarcophagi. Pulling out a first aid kit he started tending to her wounds.

“How...how long was I gone?” she asked.

“147 days yesterday, 148 today,” he said absently.

“You counted?”

“Ya, something to occupy the mind.”

“I’m really back right?” she asked. It was the question that had been on her mind since she woke up in the coffin.

“Ya pet, you’re back.”

Buffy smiled for a moment and then frowned.

“And you are still a vampire?”

Spike exhaled loudly. “I’m still the evil undead and you are the slayer.”

“Well that’s something,” said Buffy.

“All done,” Spike let go of her hands.

There was silence.

“Spike...what you said, before, about how you know that I’ll never love you?”

Spike looked up at her with a mixture of shock and hope.

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about that, 147 days to be precise. I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about you. I do. I just don’t know if I’m capable of loving you the way you want to be loved.”

Buffy stared into his piercing blue eyes. She thought she saw the beginnings of tears there, he was valiantly holding them back. She just didn’t know if they were happy tears or sad tears.

“You’ll just have to give me time and space to figure it out for myself. I don’t hate you, far from it.”

“What changed?” he asked in a barely audible whisper.

“I had to see you with out the Big Bad persona first I guess.” Buffy nervously ran her hands through her hair. “Gross.”

“Better get you home then,” he said picking up his duster and heading out the door.

Buffy just stood in the middle of the crypt with an odd look on his face. He hadn’t pushed to find out where she was. She had this feeling that even if she hadn’t asked for space, he would have given her what she needed anyway. He always knew what she needed before she did.

“Coming Slayer?”

Buffy nodded and followed him out. This might not be the perfect world that she had been trapped in, but this was her world. Her world to die for, her world to protect. It had him in it and even if it took her another life time to love him like he deserved, Spike would be her rock, like always.

This seemed like the perfect place to end this fic. However I couldn’t ignore the glaringly obviousness that the episode Normal Again posed. Therefore there’s an epilogue of sorts, Normal Again...